The ‘B’ Word

Recently I have heard a term popping up that has been ascribed to all sorts of jerky behaviour- that word is ‘bloke.’ It seems any sort of asswipish act is described by a certain segment of the British press (and men of a certain age,) as ‘blokey’ or the domain of ‘blokes.’

Examples:

“Top Gear is a ‘blokey’ show, so you have to expect Clarkson to make idiotic comments, that’s what ‘blokes’ do.”

“When ‘blokes’ go to a pub, the first thing that they do is compare Blackberrys and tech gadgets.”

“Lesbianism is very enticing to ‘blokes’ who would normally be against male homosexuality.”

“John Terry is just a ‘bloke’.”

What is obvious to me from the context of the above statements and countless others like them, is that the term ‘bloke’ is little more than a euphemism for the term ‘cunt.’ Ergo, I see the constant use of this word ‘bloke’ as lttle more than attempt to sneak the cunt word into our vocabulary via stealth means. Open up a copy of the Daily Mail…I defy you to find a use of the word ‘bloke’ that would not be better suited to the word ‘cunt.’ Give me one example of ‘blokey’ behaviour that could not also be described as ‘cunty.’

You can’t- there aren’t any. Get rid of the ‘b’ word!

Missing the point…

Many so-called ‘green’ activists are very quick to make requests. They want the following:

Energy independence.

The preservation of the rainforests.

More employment through ‘green jobs.’

Livable cities.

Renewable resources.

Clean water and air.

Healthy children.

and a number of other laudable goals.

Now, the point these people seem to be missing, is that this global warming thing could be a huge hoax. If so, we would have made the world a substantially better place for NOTHING!

I thought this post was worth being a post

I believe there is a God – I don’t mean that in the sense of a man in the sky, mysterious force or some sort of supernatural entity- I mean that I believe in God for literally no reason, I just like the way it sounds.

This came in:

Aye up, duck. How’s it going there, skinny tits? Just wanted to start the post of with some regionalist irrellevance combined with some hipster nonsense (cause that’s the kind of cunt I am.) I couldn’t help but notice your Damascene like conversion and admit it had me running to the dictionary in order to look up the word ‘Damascene.’ I have previously broached the subject with you on your internet based radio show, so there may be three or four people who have heard this before, but we have spoken about how I was brought up by a religious family. Many of the hypocrisies of religion have turned me off to religion over the years to the level where I would actually have classed myself an atheist at one point (though, to be perfectly honest, most other people would have classed me as a right prick, but that’s by the by.) However, I have come to realize that spirituality and religion are not necessarily mutually exclusive, much for the same reason that you did. (eg. I am not very intelligent or perceptive.)

My Dad died while I was in jail for public defecation. I worked and lived in Sheffield and he lived and died in my home in a town called Sheffield which is the same as the one in which I live. He never had a phone. Never had a wallet. Never had a pen. Never had a left sock. Never had a toilet roll. Never had herpes. Picked his dole up from the post office and did his shopping in Sheffield. My current residence. Having none of these things we take for granted this rendered him with no discernable ID apart from the fact that he had his name and his NHS number tatooed on his forehead. Two days before I found out he died, he died. Just imagine if it had been the other way around. He was at the bus stop with 2 kids. He said “Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night or you will end up in deep shit.” smiled and died.

My father used to have what some people would regard as a bit of a strange habit. If he knew you well (and sometimes even if he didn’t,) he would like nothing better than to come up behind you and stick his dick into your ear. It gave him so much pleasure to do this simple thing that no one ever complained. When I asked him how he developed this strange habit, he never seemed to have an answer. Not that he was reticent to talk about it. He was constantly trying to refine his technique and to his death remained undecided as to whether it was best done with an erect penis or a flaccid one. Many a night we would spend drinking whiskey and discussing the soft/hard dichotomy.

So the day I found out that he died, my cousin Richard identified him officially and came to find my mam and decide instead of telling me over the phone they would come for me at work. It was a surreal and unbelievable moment we will all encounter at some point (and when I say all, that is only because I am one of those conceited douchebags who think the owrld revolves around me,) yet will never fully be able to explain. Once I’d regained control of my emotions I was driven by a compulsion to see him straight away. My folks tried to disuade me saying I was in shock and stuff, but my intent was oddly clear. It was something I had to do. So off we went, back home but diverting to Sheffield Royal Chapel of Rest.

We made it to the hospital and there he was, a dead body. Bit unexciting really. After a few moments, a kiss and a hug, I left. All the way from work the weather was horrendous. Rain belting down and cold. A few moments after stepping into the hospital car park to go home I asked to be alone they masde their way to the car and I could find myself about to burst into tears when the sun burst through the clouds and I realize I’m standing in front of a car and some guy is yelling at me to get out of his way. ‘HEY DICK! HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING IN YOUR EARS?’ As if he’d been waiting to mention dicks and ears all day,

That was my major God moment. Make of it what you will.

SUDAN? I’VE NEVER EVEN MET DAN!

There is a tendency in the media these day to put labels on people and we live in a PC world. Actually I live near a PC World, in fact, it’s where I got this very laptop I’m typing on. But back to the subject of labels, it astonishes me how quickly a label can be thrown at people. If one denies that the climate is changing, one is labeled a fool, if one broaches the subject of creationism one is labeled a crank, and one merely has to espouse the tenets of National Socialism for people to get labeled a Nazi.

As some of my more astute readers may know, there is a war going on in Darfur. Folks like Angelina Jolie, George Clooney and Mia Farrow are trying to bring attention to the situation. Many people label these celebrities as ‘do-gooders’ and they think that celebrities should stay out of politics. I think it should be people like Brad Pitt running things because those people know how to get things done. Katie Price could do a better job than Harriet Harman and Danny Aiello would be a great Home Secretary.

It is silly to hate celebrities because they think they are better than you. THEY ARE BETTER THAN YOU!

A WORD ABOUT PSEUDONYMS

I am quite dismayed at the number of people nowadays who hide under the cloak of transparency. The true measure of a man is if he can build himself up from nothing. These people who coast on their good names and reputations will never evolve as human beings.

The best artists, philosophers and literary figures on the whole tend to change their names. Who doesn’t change their names? Politicians. That is in and of itself proof that pseudonyms are evidence of a higher mind.

Can any one doubt that Samuel Clemens would have remained a riverboat captain had he not changed his name to Mark Twain and kicked things up a few notches? And what about old Siddhārtha Gautama? It wasn’t until he started calling himself Buddha that anyone took notice of him. And would a girl called Stefani Germanotta be capable of composing and recording the sublime delightful vortex of aural pleasure that is Lady Gaga’s Poker Face?

The answer to all these questions? Two words: of course not.

It’s rather simple really. Only real men use pseudonyms. If anyone has a problem with that then they can take it up with Caleb Kuntswothy. (That’s my pseudonym…)

QUIT SMOKING? YOU MUST BE JOKING!

Much is made over the prevalence of tobacco advertising. However in my day there was way more tobacco advertising. CIgarette companies would think nothing of producing ads such as the ones below

However, did it lead to more smoking? Yes it did, but that’s not the real question you should be asking. The real question you should be asking is ‘did it lead to more children taking up smoking?’ Well, yes it did, but that’s not relevant to the matter at issue. The point is, I smoke, and I don’t see anything wrong with it. These doctors with their so-called ‘cancer’ have a few too many answers for me. It seems highly coincidental to me that 95% of people with lung cancer would be heavy smokers. Wouldn’t you say that makes them a little biased towards the cigarette industry? I’m hardly going to take their word for anything. All I’m saying is- consider the source.

SAINT TONY BLAIR

John A Coleman, a man that Wikipedia considers an expert, wrote that saints across various cultures and religions have the following family resemblances:

• 1. exemplary model;
• 2. extraordinary teacher;
• 3. wonder worker or source of benevolent power;
• 4. intercessor
• 5. selfless, ascetic behavior; and
• 6. possessor of a special and revalatory relation to the holy.

I can honestly say that Tony Blair falls into all these categories. He is an exemplary model, much like Tyra Banks. He is certainly an extraordinary teacher. I bet you don’t know that he taught George W. Bush how to tie his shoes. The people of Iraq who are free to walk the streets (or hobble along on crutches due to missing limbs, as the case may be) without having to worry about living under a dictatorship can certainly attest to his benevolent power. His skill as an intercessor is obvious as he has managed to mediate peace in the Middle East, and his willingness to go to war in Iraq  shows his selfless behaviour. He clearly has a special relationship with the holy…just look at him!

THE REAL MIDDLE EAST POWER BROKERS

As you may know, I have taken an interest in Middle Eastern politics ever since I discovered that supporting the war in Iraq was an excellent way of pissing people off. Typically, when I take an interest in something, I eschew the typical trendy fashion for research and study preferring instead to use the much more reliable methods of guesswork and fantasy. My painstaking lack of research has provided me with the sort of evidence that many so-called ‘experts’ in the field would be blown away by.

Many people wish to blame former President George W. Bush and the beautiful, brilliant and well hung former Prime Minister Tony Blair for invading Iraq illegally, immorally, unjustly or whatever bullshit that the reality-based community wants to foist on people. However, I have discovered that much more sinister forces were at work. You will literally be shocked when I tell you about this:

Let me start with a question:

What do Iran and Iraq have in common?

This is Iraq

This is Iran

So, I ask you-

What do IRAq and IRAn have in common?

That’s right-

IRA

Simple when you think about it. So the next time someone blames the war on Blair and Bush, remind them of the contributions of Adams and McGuinness. But they won’t listen, the Irish never listen.

HUNGER AND SHIT…

Hunger, or as I like to call it, ‘malnutrition,’ is a huge problem which, according to Wikipedia, ‘affects a lot of people.’ I think I have come up with a novel, yet surely foolproof, solution to the hunger crisis.

The average human eats 3 to 4 tonnes of food per year. But where is all that food going, you ask, It is being flushed away, like so much waste, in the form of faeces and urine.

What if we were to do nature’s ultimate recycling and recycle our own body waste as food? Does it really sound ridiculous? Urine’s main constituents are water and urea; the latter of which has some well-known commercial uses. Urine also contains small quantities of thousands of compounds, hormones and metabolites including corticosteriods. There is no scientific evidence of a therapeutic use for urine. I know that last bit seems to contradict my point but I copied and pasted that whole thing from Wikipedia so I’m sticking with it. Faeces has been a staple of British humour since the 50’s. C’mon people, you know it makes sense.

TATTOOS. WHO NEEDS EM?

Look at this tattooed asshole

and this tattooed cunt

Do we really need tattoos? My father was known as ‘the hardest Yorkshireman in town,’ by anyone lucky enough to be bummed by him and he only had one tattoo, which was very simple. He had ‘Clapton is God’ tattooed on his taint. We thought it was a bit odd as he was never much of a Clapton fan, however it was such fun at parties no one complained.